Being the Eve before Yule Eve, I am pondering past Yules. This is the first Yule that I have been out of the broom closet with most of my family and friends. My Husband has always known, I don't think I could have married otherwise. 

On to Yules gone by.

The first Yule was spent under my parents roof, as were the next 6, and 1 more after that. Having been brought up going to a strict Christian church I was unsure of how to approach the subject with my parents. Even though my parents never went to church. You see it was my Grandmother that took my brother and I every Sunday to her Church, one that was very old and set in it's ways. Being 13 at the time I assumed that even though my parents didn't go to church they believed in it's teachings. Which means my first few were spent quietly reading about the holiday absorbing every piece of information I could find, and practising what little rituals I could in the guise of Christmas rituals. 

I still to this day do some of this, as in my house we celebrate both Yule and Christmas. Well this will be my children's first Yule celebration, and I am trying to think of more ways for them to celebrate it.  My Husband doesn't take Christmas as a religious celebration, his family took it as a day to spend time with your family, and appreciate them with gifts. 

Over time I was able to tell my family what I believed, or at least as much as I can to people that are somewhat closed minded. My Mother was surprisingly good about it, although she wanted me to help her win the lottery *rolling my eyes*

As I moved out on my own I still felt the need to appear Christian. As if the world would stop turning for me if I let it be known who I was.

Here is where I praise my wonderful Husband. The man that didn't bat an eye when I told him of my path, who never once seemed taken aback by any of my spiritual ramblings. He let me be me. That was something I never expected from another human being. When I had difficulty finding others with the same beliefs he let me bounce my thoughts off of him, without any complaints about it not being what he thought as well.  We may argue about money problems, or other mundane "normal" issues, but never once have I had to be someone else.

 Why is that in this post? Because at Yule is when I am reminded of it the most. It was my Husband that first got me celebrating it out in the open at home. Because of him I have opened up more and allowed myself to exist the way I want to be. I am not nearly where I would like to be yet, but I am on my way. It's a constant journey, and if I hadn't met him I would still be a pretender. 

As a modern pagan parent living in a predominately Christian (is that always supposed to be capitalized? I didn't realize it was) area, I struggle to find others that believe in the same things I do.

My husband is atheist so celebrating things isn't as easy as it would be with some that followed the same spiritual path. Not that he objects, we have a great relationship, and he is happy to have me control the children's learning in this regards.

But I have been somewhat slack in that department. I didn't realize how badly I had faltered where the children were concerned until they started talking to me about Jesus and the Christian God. I have taken them to a Christian camp for a week every summer the past few years, in the hopes they would learn about it while we were there, so as to best make their own decisions. Instead I had done one of the things I was most worried about, and they thought it was the only way. All I hope for is for my children to make an informed decision as I did when choosing my own way. How can I do that if I don't teach my children about my own beliefs? I know they have heard me mention it, and seen small portions of things, but never have I actually talked to them directly about it.

 So after this summer, I made the choice to seek out other help in teaching my children, and to learn myself along the way. Another worry I have, is that I don't know enough myself, since I haven't been able to find more than what I can read in my area. I know there is more, as I have found a few over the years, never anyone I truly believed were Wiccan though. Most people use it as a way to feel different, or a rebelling against the way they were brought up. I truly want to find other pagan parents in my area. They don't even have to have the exact same beliefs, as I know how hard that is to have, just something to show my children a different way of life. So here is my mission of the moment.

I have succeeded in my 9 year old. Or at least it seems I have. He is more aware of other paths in life now. I found this wonderful webzine for kids at www.broomstix.com I may be one of the last Wiccan parents to find this, but  it has helped tremendously.

So I know I may totally be off on this, but the whole point in posting is for feedback, and pointers. Help is appreciated :D 

Typically the area I live in does not recognize holidays which are not Christian in nature. So until now they have never put them on the calendars that get sent home.

This year though is the first year my children have come home and Yule was on their December calendar! You have no idea how exciting that was to see. I have been trying to teach my children about it slowly, because of society and it's usual views on Wicca and other ways, now this gives me hope for the future. 

Not quite sure how much time I will have to type this all out, so I can only hope I get enough said LOL

Lately we have been having some issues. Same old thing that I am sure most people have. Too many bills and not enough money to pay for them all. Things have just seemed out of control recently. I was beginning to wonder how we were going to make it through this winter. Really it put my head into a spin every time I thought about it.

 The time had come to take a different course of action. I had enough of all the negativity. 

 What had I been neglecting? My mind! No one can function, and deal with hard issues, with a mind all jumbled up. Well at least I know that I cannot.

Having 4 children, and 2 fairly young (a 2 year old, and 1 year old), takes quite a toll on your body which affects your mind. Then my Husband is unavailable most of the time right now (He manages a retail store), so our relationship has had to sit on the back burner, to me that causes great stress.  Everything was suffering.

 The decision had to be made to fix things, only I had no idea what to do. Took me weeks to figure it out. My mind needs to have a rest. Even sleep doesn't let my brain relax. 

 What I decided to do was resume my evening meditations, more or less making myself centred in the last few minutes before falling asleep. I do not get any other opportunities at this moment to meditate, or centre, so that is when I am able.

Even though I have been Wiccan for 14 years, I have never been able to meditate well, nor am I good at all those other things people say you should in order to be Wiccan. I have always been the only person I know that has chosen this path. Even others that sought me out claiming to be Wiccan or Pagan, were usually only saying so for the glory of it all. As if being Wiccan were a club you could join so you could tell everyone. Never having been around other people with my beliefs makes it difficult to learn, and practise my craft. Especially since most of the people I know are with the majority of the world in the belief that Pagans are evil, which has made me shy away from telling others until recently.

But the past few days have been fantastic. Every night before bed I have concentrated on letting my mind go, and being at one with myself if only briefly. It has helped tremendously. I find myself sleeping better, and being able to focus more during the day. I hope to continue this and only get better at it. I also plan on teaching my oldest how to do it, or well, we can learn together, as he has been having difficulty @ school, and I believe this will help him. (his issues are not academic more conflict resolution)

I guess what I am trying to get at here, is that if you can't think, and think positively, than you will not be able to control your life.

Ok so this is my intro to covenspace. I have no idea how I just found it, but here I am.

I am a stay at home Mom to 4 wonderful children. Husband to a wonderful atheist man, which makes life interesting. But we agree on most things in regards to the children. I am searching for a way to teach them about my religion, without forcing them to choose it. I grew up being forced into christianity  and do not believe that is the way. I want my children to learn, but not see it as the only way. (In my opinion too many wars and problems have been caused because of this forcing, so wish my children to have an open mind, and be whomever they choose)

Ok that was more than I meant to say on that subject in my first blog.  I guess, my main thing is that I have no where else to talk about my beliefs. I know no people in real life that are following the same path.