But I have a good reason! Just not sure if I want to put it out there for all to see. Life has been extremely hard since Imbolc. Our whole world crashed around us, and for awhile there it felt like it would never be okay again. I nearly lost the most important things in my life, and in order to fix this I had to put my spiritual life aside.

 

I am now hoping that my life won't be scrutinized as much, and that I am now able to feel safe in my path. How sad is it, that in order to keep my children, I have to pretend I am not who I am? The very fact that my choice is so offensive to those that are in power where this is concerned, is terrifying. Why can I not be free to believe as I so choose? Nothing in my life has an adverse effect on my children, and yet I had to hide it. I do NOT have anything aside from a tattoo that is out in the open about my path. I have been in the broom closet most of my life, so it was never out there. It wasn't until the past year or so that I chose to come out. I had thought times were different now, and that we had freedom. I no longer believe so. But when they were looking so hard into my life, they did not come right out and say my religion was in question, but that was one of the things they touched on most when asking questions.

 

Why can we not be open about this? Why must others be so ignorant about this?

 

I am trying to teach my children to find their own way. That a path is something they must walk for themselves. We should all be free to believe what we wish, and as long as it does not harm ourselves or others, no one should be concerned.

 

Knowledge is power. Without it we are doomed to make poor choices.

 

As for those that choose to be ignorant, may their next life educate them.

We found a perfect house for us. It is in need of a little work, but it is amazing besides that.

Literally the school the children would go to, is off our backyard. I could be in the kitchen washing the dishes from lunch (I prefer having a dishwasher to put them in, less strain on my joints), and looking out on the kids playing during recess! For a person that doesn't drive (me), this is a huge deal. I wouldn't have to rely on my Husband to pick up our children from school if there was an issue.

 

But even if I did...... this house is only a few minutes WALKING from his store!

Ok so I am all excited, and in love with the idea of this house. BUT we have a few issues. Being a stay at home Mom, me cosigning on the mortgage doesn't count (rolling my eyes right now), and I have no true income to count toward the family anyways (in Canada the government gives you a certain amount per child, based on income, but most loaning companies do not take that into account), but I doubt my Husband will be able to qualify for a mortgage on his own (due to having so many of us to support). Which means we need my mother in law to sign with us. This has never been an easy task where she is concerned, several times she has said she would help, only to let us down when the time came to step up to her end of the deal. I know this is a big undertaking on her end as well, but she did offer in the beginning.

 Next we have the small issue of work to be done on the home. It does need a small amount of work, and I hope that is all it needs. 

 Plus we are hoping to get them to knock the price down a little, because of the work required. It is already a great price, but I don't want to overextend ourselves, and then have an emergency arise with no money to cover it. 

 

I have gotten my hopes up for this place, and I need positive thoughts, or whatever you can spare. I promise, I am good for it in return for whenever you need me. I am a true believer in the power of thought. To me positive thoughts make a huge difference (and I know because I am usually a pessimist and when I am, I get what I put into it).

 

This would mean a better life for me, the sun would peak out of the clouds. I have looked and in the area surrounding this house are so many great features. It would be a big change for the better not just for myself but the children as well.  

As time has gone on, and the more I stay home with the kids, the more I have become a homebody. I haven't always been this way. Before I had the children, it was so much easier to go out, and to travel. Even with just one it wasn't that difficult. Now though I seem to get anxiety with the mere thought of going to an unfamiliar place.

And my point?

Well I think we have decided to move near my husband's job. It's an area that i know of, and have been to a few times, (mostly in passing) just not home. I know it is likely what's best for now. Provided he stays in that area for a few years. But there is a portion of my fear that says he won't, that as soon as we settle into a new home he will be transferred back this way. That was always the plan before, and the higher ups at work know that. I worry that he will get his wish after we move. But then we would be in the same predicament we are currently in (maybe a little better since the home would be our own), with him driving a fair distance every day.


I do not wish to talk to my husband about this, as it was my idea to look near his store. I know he didn't want to move there, neither do I. But we just cannot keep having him commute so far. I prefer to see my husband, and have him awake. At this moment he comes home and automatically crashes.

On the other hand, I am trying to convince myself a move is the best thing for us. Maybe I will be able to connect with other pagans, and feel like I am not alone. It could be a great growth experience for me, as I don't know anyone there, and will either get off my butt and find people or stay home.

Doesn't mean that I wouldn't be thrilled if it was decided to stay in this area, and a perfect property became available.

I wish there was a magic spell that would help me know exactly what to choose, and my heart could settle down with that choice. I do not know of one, although I am sure there is something out there. Maybe I just need to meditate on it, and I will be able to figure it out from that.

So not even 2 weeks into our new year, and I have been informed I need to move. I would love to. Just a few problems. 

 

One I need a good sized house, after all we do have 4 children. Being 2 girls, and 2 boys we can fit into a 3 bedroom quite nicely, but we would still need space for their clothing and other items.

Next we need it to be affordable. After all we need to feed the children living under the roof. What good is shelter if we can't eat? My husband tries hard, and makes a decent wage, but I have been unable to work for awhile (Lupus flare ups have been hard to manage, but we had no idea it was Lupus until last summer). Not that me working would be great either because we would still require daycare for the children.

 

On to the location problem. We are unsure where we need to look for a home because of my Husband's job. At the current moment he is driving 2 hours (there and back) each day, which is eating up a lot of money in gas. So moving close to where he works would be optimal. But he may not be at this current location for long. Right now we are in limbo. He could be at this store for the next three years, or three months. Makes searching a real pain. It also makes us leery about purchasing a home, which was always our goal. We worry that we would buy a home, and then he would be transferred which would leave us with him commuting even further.

 

I have spent the last few days searching for rentals online to give us a better idea of where things are. As well my Husband has been trying to narrow down a location by talking with his employers about the future. I hope something points us in the right direction soon.

 

And in today's society it is commonplace to make a resolution. Or several if you feel the need. I have the normal, lose weight, better myself, and get a better hold on our finances, resolutions.

But then I have another one.


To better my spiritual standing. Or at least that is how I feel it should be worded. Listening to the Podcasts which I do frequently, it makes me ponder my current situation. As I have said before I do not know anyone currently in this area believing in the same things I do. Not that they don't exist, just that if they do, they are likely afraid to come out as I always have been, and admit to being "different." 

For years I put my spirituality on the back burner, and tried to pretend I was like everyone else. Why would I do such a thing? Two main reasons. One my family is predominately Christian, and the Bible mistakenly says "Though shall not suffer a witch to live." Secondly because the only people I have ever truly met claiming to be Wiccan in my area were not quite what I thought them to be. As a young woman living on my own, I met up with a woman who claimed to believe in the same things I did. I thought it was almost destiny to meet someone older and wiser that could guide me, a person that I could confide things about this in, and no longer feel so alone. Sadly it was not to be, this person I do not wish to speak ill of, as I have always hoped she would be in a better place now, but for lack of better terminology was delusional. She pretty much wanted to be something I knew was impossible, and she tried to teach me such a jumbled mess that I still to this day am trying to clear it up. In her defence she meant well, but I knew that if I followed her I wouldn't be doing what my heart told me I should.


So here I sit, years later, after walking through fog most of my years, and hoping to clean it up.


Here's to hoping that 2008 will be the year I am finally able to meet others in my area with similar beliefs, and be able to learn more so I can clear the fog.